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This law text was written by TWallace. It speaks for itself...so start thinking of the Flukeman, sewers, and what would happen if Flukie got a really good lawyer...

NEW YORK (CNN) -- In an unprecedented case, the jury in the Flukeman vs. United States Government today awarded the largest civil damages award in U.S. history, 215.6 million dollars. Represented by a consortium of legal experts, including famed O.J. Simpson attorneys Alan Dershowitz and Barry Scheck, the Flukeman sued the United States government on a number of issues, including Title IX discrimination, threatening an endangered species, sexed-based discrimination, violations of the tenth and fourteenth ammendments, as well as federal wetlands violations. Flukeman had previously been acquitted of several murder charges involving New York and New Jersey sewage workers claiming self-defense. Much of the evidence against Flukeman was deemed inadmissible because police officials failed to read him his rights under Miranda statutes.

"They’ve hunted my client as if he was some sort of animal", commented Dershowitz. "My god -- the man - and I use that term loosely - has been homeless since he washed ashore here. He was illegally detained and imprisoned. They’ve denied him access to the sewage he needs as the very basis of his survival. This was a great victory for all Americans, I assure you. Now these federal officials will have to think twice about abusing genetically altered mutant humans."

Key to the plaintiffs case were extensive DNA testimonies carefully orchestrated by Scheck. Scheck paraded witness after witness who affirmed the bizarre genetic makeup of the genderless, web-appendaged, deaf, dumb, sucker-mouthed monster was indeed human with traces of flukeworm DNA strands. Attorney s for the government had argued Flukeman was missing more than half of the standard forty-six chromosomes normally found in humans to no avail. "The jury obviously believed us," commented Scheck.

Federal officials were stunned. "This thing isn’t human" said Attorney General Janet Reno "Anyone can see that." The government plans to appeal.

Flukeman was unavailable for comment. Under the American Disability Act, Flukeman is currently undergoing federally subsidized training learning American Sign Language. Flukeman’s publicity agent did, however, confirm rumored appearances later this week on both the "Larry King" and "Geraldo Rivera" shows. Record audiences are anticipated.

Several ghost writers are currently assisting Flukeman in writing his autobiography - which covers his plight since emerging from the New Jersey sewer two years ago - to be published later this month by Random-House, for which he received a $3.5 million advance against sales. Additionally, a tour to promote the book in twenty-seven U.S. cities is planned for this summer in which Flukeman will appear at local bookstores and on local radio and TV stations.

The work on this page is the property of Tim Wallace. Plase do not reprint or repost without permission from the author.

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