The Library contains the complete works of all the members of the FMU, including Silver Hyena Award winning pieces and all other songs and poems. There are five main rooms to this library, so please feel free to browse through the entire collection, enjoy yourself, and laugh out loud when you feel like it...no one will tell you to be quiet.

The Complete Works of Vixen, Poet Laureate
The Legal Work of TWallace
Flag's Fox Mulder University
The Parody of Professor X-Files

If I Only Had An Arm

(To the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard Of Oz)
I'd buy gloves and not have extras
And I'd be ambidextrous
If I only had an arm
I could pummel Fox and Dana
Then I'd do the macarena
If I only had an arm

I'd take vengeance on that #%*$ prick
Who made me asymmetric
If I only had an arm
The fake one causes blisters
And I wish I could play Twister
If I only had an arm

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The Pendrell Song

(To the tuno of Barry Manilow's "Mandy")
We remember all your life
You wished that Scully was your wife
Staring down the hall
To glimpse her red hairdo
She never realized
How horny she made you
Oh Pendrell...
Well, you came and you gave without taking
But you got shot anyway
Oh Pendrell...
Are you dead now or are you just faking
So she could hold you that way
Oh Pendrell...

In the science lab til late
You'd like to take her on a date
Studying specimens
In old petri dishes
How you wish that she'd
Fulfill all your wishes

*repeat chorus*

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The Peacock Family

(Sing to the tune of "The Addams Family" theme)
Their father is their brother
They'd kill to save each other
They all slept with their mother
The Peacock family

They're not apologetic
'Bout mixing their genetics
They're really quite pathetic
The Peacock family

Their story ended sadly
None left but Ma and Daddy
They drove off in their Caddy
The Peacock family
*snap, snap*

To the top

Max Fenig's Silver Trailer

(to the tune of the Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer")
Max was born to dream
Quite misunderstood it seems
Never quite belonged
Still he was content in his little world
He lived in the trailer park
Behind his ear there was a mark
On his head a hat
Showing that he was a believer too (whoa-o-o)
So when the fallen angel came down
Who drove off to that town?
CHORUS
Beep! Beep!
Max Fenig's silver trailer rolls on through the night
Beep! Beep!
Max Fenig's silver trailer rolls on, out of sight

Then Max went away
Taken into space, they say
Mulder kept his hat
Claiming that Max now was an abductee (whoa-o-o)
Max went underground
Secrecy was all around
He knew what he must do
Proof of EBE's
And technology, too (whoa-o-o)
But when the government thought they were wise
Who tried to expose their lies?
*CHORUS*

In the psychiatric ward
Max met a gal that he adored
Sharon was her name
He trusted her to carry his story through (whoa-o-o)
Max got on the flight
Left us on that fateful night
Never to return
Will we ever learn what he really knew? (whoa-o-o)
But though he met an untimely end
What's coming round the bend?
*CHORUS*

Beep! Beep! To the Top

A Few of My Favorite X-Files

(Please sing to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music)
Big Blue and Queequeg and Jose and Yappi
Mulder's gone missing and Skinner's not happy
Scully cuts open some coropses with style
These are a few of my favorite X-Files

Krycek's black jacket and Mulder's red speedo
Anything else that incites my libido
Ashtrays of Morley butts left in a pile
These are a few of my favorite X-Files

Chorus: When the Flukeman bites
When the mites sting
When I'm feeling sad
I simply rewatch my favorite X-Files
And then I don't feel so bad

Psychics and ice worms and pyrokinesis
Vampires and clones and the alien fetus
Newspaper nests stuck together with bile
These are a few of my favorite X-Files
*repeat chorus ad nauseum*

Beam me up!

The Kindergarten Files

The Situation: The water in Washington, DC has been tainted with a mysterious chemical which causes some of our favorite characters to regress to age five.

The Scene: Mrs. Fizwicket's kindergarten class.

Mrs. F: Now class, you have 20 minutes of free time, during which I expect you to play quietly. Except for you, Fox - since you refused to share your Stratego game with little Alex, you will have to spend your free time writing "I will not be selfish with my toys" 100 times on the blackboard.

FM: But...Mrs. Fizwicket...

Mrs. F: Now, Fox; rather than waste your time complaining, why don't you look upon the good example set by one of your fellow students? Young Walter here has behaved splendidly all day. He did not even have an outburst when Dana tried to perform an autopsy on his Tickle Me Elmo doll.

*Dana rolls her eyes. Walter does not smile, but sits somberly at his desk. Fox begins writing at the blackboard, and Mrs. F. looks for a book to read to the class. She flips through the pages of "Curious George". Suddenly a commotion arises*

Mrs. F: Is there a problem, boys?

WS: He smudged my glasses!

AK: Did not!

WS: Did too!

AK: Did not!

WS: Did too! Look, there's a thumbprint on the left lens!

Mrs.F: Alex, please join Fox at the blackboard and write "I will not torment my classmates" 100 times.

*Alex begins writing, annoyingly squeaking the chalk on the board. Mrs. F resumes "Curious George" but stops with a puzzled look on her face*

Mrs. F: Who has been drawing in this book? Someone has altered the illustrations. The man in the big yellow hat does not carry a pointy alien-killing device, and curious George most definitely does not smoke! Cancer Boy, did you do this? You will either have to stay late and erase all of this or pay for replacing the book.

Cancer Boy: I do not negotiate!

*A scuffle ensues at the blackboard*

Mrs.F: Fox! Please! Do not draw chalk outlines around Alex!

DS: Mrs. Fizwicket! Help - I have bubblegum in my hair and I'm on the verge of discovering why everyone's acting so strange...

*Suddenly, a brilliant light fills the room. The ceiling opens, and Lord Kinbote descends, mercifully ending this story by transforming everyone back to their correct age and location*

The End (written Feb. 20, 1997)

Please take me to the top, Mrs. Fizwicket!

The Three Little Rats

Once upon a time there were three little rats: Floyd, Norbert, and Alex. They lived happily in the countryside minding their own business, until one day the Big Bad Fox intruded upon their idyllic world.

The Big Bad Fox went to the house of the first little rat, Floyd, and shouted "I'm a Federal Agent, and if you don't come out with your hands up I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll spout crackpot theories about alien abductions and government conspiracies until your walls fall down!"

Floyd trembled with fear, and attempted to escape out the back door, but was quickly apprehended and sent to prison.

Next, the Big Bad Fox went to the house of the second little rat, Norbert. "I'm a Federal Agent, and if you don't come out with your hands up I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll shine my nuclear-powered flashlight in your eyes so you can't see me when I give you a wicked headbutt!"

Norbert was so terrified that he immediately became insane and had to be committed.

The Big Bad Fox was feeling pretty sure of himself as he approached the house of the third little rat, Alex. But Alex was ready, because he had previously placed electronic surveillance devices in the houses of Floyd and Norbert, so he knew who was coming.

The Big Bad Fox shouted "I'm a Federal Agent, and if you don't come out with your hands up I'll huff and I'll puff and ---"

The front door opened and Alex burst out, cursing in Russian. He spat upon the Big Bad Fox and pistol-whipped him in the head. As he lay unconscious on the ground, Alex stole his trenchcoat, his nuclear-powered flashlight, and his membership card to the adult video store. He stuffed sunflower seeds up the nose of the Big Bad Fox, laughing as he did so.

"That'll teach you to mess with the likes of me" Alex said triumphantly as he strolled back home to finish his evening tea.

The End

Get Me To The Top!

All works on this page are the property of Tracy "Neonsister" Coakley. Please do not reprint or repost without permission from the author.

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