The Complete, Unabridged Works of Vixen, Poet Laureate
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The Works of Professor X-Files

• That Can-cer Man!
• The Great Muppet Caper

That Can-cer Man!

Mulder: That Can-cer Man!
That Can-cer Man!
I do not like
That Can-cer Man!

CSM: Do you like
Well-manicured Man?

Mulder: I do not like him,
Can-cer Man!
I do not like that
Well-Manicured Man

CSM: Would you like him
here or there?

Mulder: I would not like him here or there,
I would not like him anywhere
I do not like Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer Man

CSM: Do you like him in an X-File?
Do you like him covered with Tooms’ bile?

Mulder: I do not like him in an X-File
I do not like him covered with bile
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: Would you meet him in a park?
Would you meet him in the dark?

Mulder: Not in a park.
Not in the dark.
Not in an X-File
Not covered with bile
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: Would you, could you,
With AD Skinner?
Perhaps you could all
meet for dinner!

Mulder: I would not, could not
with AD Skinner

CSM: You may like him
If you had your gun.
You may like him
It could be fun!

Mulder: I would not, could not with a gun,
Not with AD Skinner, it would not be fun!
I do not like him in a park.
I do not like him in the dark.
I do not like him in an X-File
I do not like him covered with bile
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: A Train! A Train!
A Secret Government Train!
Could you, would you,
on a train?

Mulder: Not on a train! It would be a trauma!
He’d probably bring Dr. Shiro Zama!
I would not, could not with a gun,
It could not, would not be any fun!
I will not meet him in a park.
I will not meet him in the dark.
I do not want him in an X-File
I do not want him covered with bile
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: Say! With the Man Who Is Fat?
Would you, could you, with the Man Who Is Fat?

Mulder: I would not, could not, with the Man Who Is Fat.

CSM: Would you, could you, with the Boy Who Is Rat?

Mulder: I would not, could not with the Man Who Is Fat,
I could not, would not with the Boy Who Is Rat!
Not in a park, not in the dark.
Not in an X-File, not covered with bile.
I do not like to see him smile.
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like the Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: You do not like Well-Manicured Man?

Mulder: I do not like him, Can-cer Man

CSM: Could you, would you, with agent Scully?

Mulder: I could not, would not, with agent Scully.

CSM: Would you, could you, in a Navahoe gully?

Mulder: I would not, could not with agent Scully,
I could not, would not in a Navahoe gully!
I would not, could not with the Man Who Is Fat,
I could not, would not with the Boy Who Is Rat!
Not in a park, not in the dark.
Not in an X-File, not covered with bile.
I do not like him here or there
I do not like him anywhere
I do not like the Well-Manicured Man
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

Mulder: I Do not like the Well-Manicured Man!
I do not like him, Can-cer man!

CSM: You do not like him,
so you say.
Meet him meet him,
and you may!
Meet him and you may, I say!

Mulder: If you will let me be,
I will meet him
You will see..

Mulder: Say, where is the Well-Manicured Man?
Where is he, Can-cer Man?

********************BANG********************

CSM: Mulder you fool,
you are such a sap.
You easily fell
right into my trap.

I knew I could do it,
I did it with ease.
I said I could kill him
any time that I please.

My mission is done,
I’ve killed the poor bloke.
I think it is time
I lit up a smoke...

Up to the Top

The Great Muppet Caper

CAST LIST

Kermit the Frog as Special Agent Frog Mulder
Miss Piggy as Special Agent Dana Piggy

Guest Stars

Sam the Eagle as Assistant Director Walter Skinner
Rizzo the Rat as Krycek
Statler as The Well-Manicured Man
Waldorf as The Fat Man
The Swedish Chef as The Cigarette-Smoking Man

Special Appearances by

Captain Link Hogthrob as Deep Throat
Rolf the Dog as X
Carmella the Chicken as Marita Covarrubias
The Great Gonzo as The Stupendous Yappi

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem as the Lone Gunmen
With Dr. Teeth as Frohicke
Janice the Guitar Player as Langly
Floyd the Bass Player as Byers

[Scene opens on an auditorium full of Muppets, all talking to each other nervously. Two Muppets in black trenchcoats walk to the podium at the front of the room.]

DANA PIGGY: Bon jour, mes amies. Moi am Dana Piggy, FBI special agent and bombshell extraordinaire. The fabulously gorgeous green person next to me is my partner, special agent Frog Mulder.

FROG MULDER: Hi-ho, everybody!

DANA PIGGY: We would like to ask you a few eensy-teensy little questions about the UFO you all claimed landed in the middle of your fifth annual chili-cookoff last week, OK?

(Muppets glance at each other nervously, but no one speaks)

DANA PIGGY: (aside to FROG MULDER) Are you sure it wasnt just the chili, Froggy pooh?

FROG MULDER: (aside to DANA PIGGY) Piggy, even your mothers chili couldn't make me see UFOs....

DANA PIGGY: Watch it, Frog.

[Cut to theme music---quick commercial for wart removers and bacon]

[Open on the Reflecting Pool in Washington DC. Frog Mulder and Dana Piggy are standing at one end, Mulder looking around nervously]

DANA PIGGY: Are you sure your contact was going to meet you here, Froggy-dear?

FROG MULDER: Oh, Im not worried. Even if my contacts a little late, Im sure someone will show up.

DEEPTHROAT/LINK: [Sneaking up behind them] Trust no one, Mulder!

DANA PIGGY: Deepthroat? I thought you were dead? I saw you get shot!

X/ROLF: [Sneaking up from other side]: I hate these public meetings, Mulder.

FROG MULDER: But I found you dead outside my apartment!

MARITA/CARMELLA: [Popping up between MULDER and PIGGY] Bwawk-Bwawk--Be cauwk--Bwawk-Bwawk!

FROG MULDER: Ms. Covarrubias?

FROG MULDER: (hysterically) Would someone please tell me what is going on around here?

DANA PIGGY: Has anyone seen Senator Matheson?

DEEPTHROAT/LINK: No...I have NOT!

MARITA/CARMELLA: Bwawk...Bwawk...

X/ROLF: Hey Frog, did I hear you lost a contact?

DANA PIGGY/FROG MULDER/DEEPTHROAT/MARITA: GROAN....

FROG MULDER: Argh....[shaking head, walking away]

[Cut to interior office scene. FROG MULDER and DANA PIGGY seated opposite ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE, who is looking at them askance]

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: and you claim you saw what?

FROG MULDER: Its true! All my former contacts came back to life like I had just added saline solution to them!

DANA PIGGY: Au contraire, mon petit cherie. Marita isnt dead....yet...

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: You are all a bunch of WEIRDOS..(shaking head with hand over eyes)

DANA PIGGY: Sure....fine...whatever...

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: I dont understand Mulder, why would you make up a story like this?

FROG MULDER: What did you say I did with the story, sir?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: Make up! Did you hear me, Make up!

[Unknown muppet runs into room with huge powderpuff, smacking ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE in the face, spreading white powder all over his face and the room]

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: (shaking head) I just cant take this any more....

[Cut to interior of 46th Street club. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, WELL-MANICURED MAN and THE FAT MAN are meeting]

THE FAT MAN/WALDORF: I thought you said you neutralized the chili situation.

WELL-MANICURED MAN/STATLER: Too bad he couldnt neutralize this plotline!

(THE FAT MAN and WELL-MANICURED MAN laugh heartily)

WELL-MANICURED MAN/STATLER: Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN/SWEDISH CHEF: Heer, von schveer, der ooo, skadip adoo, heer, von schveer de ver veer, Mork Mork Mork! First, ders dat Mulder Mulder. Mulder Mulder too speedy veedy. Menner in blacker shooty der Mulder Mulder, but dey missy

THE FAT MAN/WALDORF: We dont have time for your pathetic excuses.

WELL-MANICURED MAN/STATLER: Heck, we dont have time for your good excuses!

(THE FAT MAN and WELL-MANICURED MAN laugh heartily)

[CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN lights up cigarette, which promptly explodes in his mouth, leaving him covered in soot]

WELL-MANICURED MAN/STATLER: Works every time!

[Cut to chili festival scene again--many muppets gathered around the middle of the convention hall. Camera pans in to find the STUPENDOUS YAPPI/GONZO at work]

STUPENDNOUS YAPPI/GONZO: I sense something...I presence I havent felt since...

FROG MULDER: Oh please, stealing lines from Star Wars again?

STUPENDNOUS YAPPI/GONZO: You are giving off negative vibrations. I will attempt to commune with the spirits by hanging by my nose from a bungee cord while eating ten pounds of styrofoam peanuts and humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

FROHICKE/DR. TEETH: Hey dudes, check out this weird...what are you?

STUPENDNOUS YAPPI/GONZO: Im a whatever [attaching bungee cord to nose]

LANGLY/JANICE: Like fer sure, man. Can you dig it?

BYERS/FLOYD: Hey, circus music is our best gig man....hit it....

FROG MULDER: Good to see you again, guys...

DANA PIGGY: Frog, darling, who are these...people....

FROHICKE/DR. TEETH: We am, are, and always will be them that are known as the Lone Gunmen.

STUPENDNOUS YAPPI/GONZO: (Humming) Its happening...its happening!

FROG MULDER: What? Whats happening?

STUPENDNOUS YAPPI/GONZO: Im running out of styrofoam--pass me another bag...

FROG MULDER: Sheesh...(walks away)

[Cut to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE's office. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN and KRYCEK are seated across the desk from ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE]

CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN/SWEDISH CHEF: Heedee heerdeee. Der plansky very, very easy. You put-ty der Rat back in FBI-sky, okey dokey?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: But, that would be WRONG! (Puffing up)

KRYCEK/RIZZO THE RAT: If it involves pain, Im outta here!

CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN/SWEDISH CHEF: You not listeny, I makey eagle stewwwwww....

KRYCEK/RIZZO THE RAT: OH GROSS!!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER/SAM THE EAGLE: Very well, what next.....?

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Heedee heerdee, to der Topper

The work on this page is the property of Geoff "Prof. X-Files" Peterson. Please do not reprint or repost without permission from the author.

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