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The
Complete Works of Neonsister, Poet Laureate
The Legal Work of TWallace
Flag's Fox Mulder University
The Parody of Professor X-Files
The Complete, Unabridged Works of Vixen,
Poet Laureate
My
boyfriend says I'm an X-Files bore,
And I can't take it any more.
I love my tape of Anasazi-
But he just wants to flush it down the khazee.
My Tooms double bill is getting fuzzy,
But does he even care? And does He
Rant and rave that the BBC
Are messing about with Season Three?
Think of me, just spare a thought-
I got Sky for the 'Files, he got it for the Sport.
While I'm glued to Herrenvolk, so excited...
He'd rather be watching Man United.
Reasons to watch, I've suggested a million,
But he doesn't even fancy Gillian.
You know, Hubbuggie, I've already told ya
I'd rather wake up next to Agent Mulder.
My
boyfriend says I'm an X-Files bore
The time has now come to show him the door
I'm sure you'll agree he is plainly inferior...
How do I get him off my hands without betraying my cool exterior?
Top
of the Page
I
look at Mulder and I think "Yowsers!
What are you hiding inside your trousers?"
It could be briefs, or I could be wrong,
It might be a shiny black leather thong,
Long Johns, perhaps, for those Canada nights?
Or even a pair of thick woolly tights?
Stretchy, tight Calvins that show every bulge-
They really would make me want to indulge!
Or loose fitting boxers of cotton so pure,
And a pocket for condoms, in case he should score!
You
may laugh at me for all of these follies
But, oh, how I long to see his trolleys!
But I think you'll agree as I plainly declare
That we shouldn't be thinking of his underwear,
So join with me, ladies, in poetic rhythm...
"It's the contents that matter and what he does with 'em!"
Yowsers!
To the top
(For
this first one, remember that David Duchovny played a cross-dressing
police officer on the TV show "Twin Peaks"...well, what if David brought
some of those character traits to his role as Agent Mulder...it might
go something like this--
There
was a young agent called Fox
Who developed a passion for frocks
He preferred off the shoulder
Till Scully said "Mulder,
You can't wear that dress with those socks!"
There
was a young agent called Fox
Who kept porno mags in a box
They were so erotic
They made him neurotic...
But at least he was free from the pox
There
was a director called Skinner
At sport he was never a winner
He viewed it with scorn
Till he saw Mulder's porn
Now he works out his wrist before dinner
There
was a young agent called Fox
Who liked to eat bagels with lox
Until one day, Skinner
Said "Mulder, GET THINNER!"
And now he's in LA detox
There
was a young agent called Scully
One day she fell into a gully
She let out a call
"Can't get out, I'm too small!"
So Fox got her out in a trolley
There
was a young agent called Fox
Who liked to cook Chinese in woks
One day his chop suey
Turned out far too gooey
So Tooms used it for a post-box
There
was a young agent called Fox
Whose sex life was stuck on the rocks
"Phoebe has fled,
Scully's probably dead...
So a vampire can get in my jocks"
Top
O' the Page To Ye!
1.
"The truth is in my boxer shorts" isn't a very good chat-up line.
2. He can't kiss a woman's neck without looking for implants.
3. His idea of "Deep Throat" isn't a passionate kiss.
4. What man could expose a girlfiend to Frohike?
5. His taste in women is somewhat odd. A Neanderthal, a vampire--both
now dead--and an insect-freak: who'd want to be next on that list?
6. He'd rather spend the weekend UFO spotting than at a romantic hotel.
7. Whenever a woman says "a relationship should be built on trust",
he replies, "Trust no one."
8. He'd have to throw away his treasured porn collection.
9. His sister and his closest friend have been abducted. Tha's a big
risk to take, even for the most adventurous-minded gal.
10. He'd have to put up with jealous jibes from Scully all the time.
Top
of the Page
(to
the tune of "The Candy Man Can" from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory)
Who can take a Morley,
Smoke it to the end?
Fill a room with smoke from this fine tobacco blend?
The Cancerman can.
Who
can take a chopper,
To New Mexico?
Find a boxcar underground and set it all aglow?
The Cancerman can, 'cause he know the larger plan to make the work no
good.
He's
part of the game,
But won't reveal his name,
'Cause he is always undercover.
He doesn't have a wife or lover,
But he's in love with Mulder's mother.
Who
can take a hybrid,
Kill it on a train?
Kill some people here and there, the secret will remain,
The Cancerman can.
To
the Top
Oompa
Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
What
do you get from a skeptical friend?
Scathing looks that will haunt you no end.
Scully has got you in a fix,
Why don't you try working with Vix?
She
won't blast you theories!
Oompa
Loompa doompadee dah
If you believe then you will go far.
You will live in happiness too.
Like the Oompa Loompa deempadee do.
Oompa
me right up to the Top
(This
piece is in response to the challange to change the ending of your favorite
episode>
(Mulder
is standing in the field at sunset. He is looking at the photographs
of Sarah Kavanaugh and Sullivan Biddle. He thinks poetic thoughts...)
MULDER:
...at times I almost dream
I, too, have spent a life the sage's way...
...Oh, sod that boring Browning stuff. This episode needs livening up
a bit. First I find out that I have lived in two of the most bloody
and turbulent periods of all time. Then the woman destined to be mine
kills herself in a mass suicide pact. OK Mark, cut the dreary music,
OK? Let's have some Show Tunes!
(Mulder
pulls out a tope from his pocket and puts it in a nearby cassette player.
An orchestra strikes up and Mulder starts to sing)
MULDER:
(doing a little dance)
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
When I take you out in the surrey,
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!
(Scully
runs over looking worried)
SCULLY:
Mulder, what's going on? You were supposed to read that nice little
extract from "Paracelsus." Don't tell me you haven't memorized it properly.
After all those hours I sat up with you helping you to learn it! Look,
here's a copy of the poem. If you can't remember it, just read it. I'm
sure they can digitally remove the book in post-production.
MULDER:
Scully, I can remember it fine. But it's so dull and boring. We need
to spread some happiness around here! Come on, Scully, dance with me!
(Mulder
grabs Scully and whirls her around as he sings)
MULDER:
Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin'donw the plain!
SCULLY:
Hey this is kinda fun! (Starts to twirl around)
MULDER
AND SCULLY: (in unison)
Don't keep your hand in mine
Your hand feels so grand in mine
People will say we're in love!
The
End
Get
me to the Top!
(Exterior,
outside the Golden Globe Awards venue)
FM:
This is it.
DS:
I still don't see why we need to come here. It's not an X-File. The
phenomenon of talentless actors getting praised to the gills by sycophantic
pressmen is perfectly explainable within the realm of science.
FM:
I'm listening, Scully.
DS:
It's called "Kisstheirasses Syndrome." Studies have detected widespread
cases in the entertainment industry.
FM:
I just don't buy it, Scully. Something more sinister is going on here.
No scientific theory can explain the nomination of George Clooney.
DS:
Do I detect a note of jealousy, Mulder?
FM:
Of course not. And besides, ther's something else I want to check out
while I'm here. I've been doing some research on the phenomenon of the
"Friends hairstyle." It seems to be appearing on a lot of actresses.
Even middle aged women like Bette Midler who should know better.
DS:
(shoots him one of her scathing looks) You're not suggesting some kind
of cloning experiment? I...I'm sure it's just a natural manifestation
of a desire to be like a young, attractive New Yorker with a life of
fun, romance and fabulous clothes.
FM:
Scully, I've just noticed something. Your hair is starting to get a
little wispy at the sides. They've go to you too!
DS:
(smoothing her hair awkwardly and feigning nonchalance) That was just
the wind.
FM:
(sees a tall, heavily built security guard at the door) This is going
to be more difficult that I thought. We'll have to find another way
in.
DS:
Didn't we get tickets?
FM:
It's invitation only, Scully. And they don't invite the FBI's most unwanted.
They
climb through a side window and find themselves in a darkened room.
The smell of food and wine prevades the air. On a giant screen, an excerpt
from "Friends" is being shown.
FM:
Look, Scully! It's a mind-control experiement. We've got to stop it!
(M
and S switch on their super-beam power torches, shooting two bright
beams of light across the room, blinding Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks
sitting at a nearby table, who cover their eyes with their hands in
pain. Mulder leaps onto the stage and pulls out an electric cable, making
the screen image to splutter and disappear)
FM:
I think I'm too late, Scully!
(The
lights go up to reveal a room full of people, all with Rachel hairdos,
including the men. Patrick Stewart, Anthony Edwards and Kelsey Grammer
are running their hands through their newly-restored, tousled locks
with glee. George Clooney admires his grey-tinged version in his girlfriend's
make-up mirror. In desperation, Mulder puts his head in his hands.........and
fronds of highlighted hair cascade over his face)
FM:
Cafe Latte anyone?
The
End
Beam
me up, Scotty!
All works on this
page are the property of Zoe
"Vixen" Lawrence. Please do not reprint or repost without permission
from the author.
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